But it's not working.
For the last several days...it just hasn't worked.
Last Wednesday, I can't explain it, I had a flash of a moment where I got excited to think that I was going to get to see Mom soon. I guess it's because Dad's coming down in a couple weeks...
But the pain of reality when it slammed into me was unbearable.
I've still not recovered fully from it.
Yesterday was...different. it wasn't even my first Motherless Mother's Day. But it was by far the hardest, so far. I tried really hard just NOT to think about what the day was. I tried really hard to stay off social media. The last thing I wanted was to be inundated with hundreds of photos of people with their mothers... So, I got home from church, I talked to Dad, and I binge-watched 13 Reasons Why. I didn't write, like I'd planned... I didn't do anything. I did whatever I could just not to think...to not feel.
I don't want to feel bitter and angry at the injustice of not having a mother.
But I do.
I hate it.
I hate knowing she's not there. I hate that I can't call her on the phone and tell her about my day. I hate knowing that's I'll never get to hug her again in this life. I hate that, as much as I love Dad and love talking with him every night, that sometimes it's not enough.
I hate it.
And I hate the idea that this reality may never change for me.
I hate feeling weak...like I'm not dealing with this like I should. But my heart hurts...the pain of it all is just excruciating sometimes.
How do I continue to praise God in times like this? Because, as irrational as it is, I'm angry at Him for this, too.
Driving into work this morning I was listening to Rend Collective. And this song came on...
Though tears may fall - My song will rise, my song will rise to You
Though my heart may fail - My song will rise, my song will rise to You
While there’s breath in my lungs -I will praise You, Lord
In the dead of night - I’ll lift my eyes, I’ll lift my eyes to You
When the waters rise - I’ll lift my eyes, I’ll lift my eyes to You
While there’s hope in my heart - I will praise You, Lord
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
In the darkness I’ll dance
In the shadows I’ll sing
The joy of the Lord is my strength
When I cannot see You with my eyes - Let faith arise to You
When I cannot feel Your hand in mine - Let faith arise to You
God of mercy and love - I will praise You, Lord
Oh You shine with glory Lord of light - I feel alive with You
In Your presence now I come alive - I am alive with You
There is strength when I say - I will praise You, Lord
When sorrow comes my way - You are the shield around me
Always You remain - Like courage in the fight
I hear You call my name Jesus, I am coming
Walking on the waves - Reaching for Your light
(Rend Collective - The Joy of the Lord)
How can I continue to praise God through the pain? I'm still working that out.
Because, as much as I KNOW God's character is only Love...His Spirit is the Great Comforter, but...I'm not FEELING it. The pain is too strong right now. And when the pain subsides...usually there's just nothing. I've had glimmers of joy...but it's just not the same.
Mom's absence is too much.
If you're reading this...please, don't worry about me. I'll work through this episode like all the others that have come before it...like the ones I know will follow. It's just my life now....and even as I continue to "go through the motions" as I will my heart to feel the things I know...it's a struggle...but, one day maybe those hints of feeling will become more regular...
Weep with me - Lord will You weep with me?
I don't need answers, all I need Is to know that You care for me
Hear my plea - Are You even listening?
Lord I will wrestle with Your heart - But I won't let You go
You know I believe - Help my unbelief
Yet I will praise You - Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows - Here I will offer my praise
What's true in the light - Is still true in the dark
You're good and You're kind - And You care for this heart
Lord I believe - You weep with me
Part the seas - Lord make a way for me
Here in the midst of my lament - I have faith, yes I still believe
That You love me - Your plans are to prosper me
You're working everything for good - Even when I can't see
You know I believe, yeah - Help my unbelief, oh
Yet I will praise You - Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows - Here I will offer my praise
What's true in the light - Is still true in the dark
You're good and You're kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe - That you weep with me
Turn my lament into a love song
From this lament, raise up an anthem
Oh I'll sing it in the darkness, oh
Turn my lament into a love song, 'cause I love You Lord
And from this lament, raise up an anthem, oh
Oh I'll sing it in the darkness
Yet I will praise You - Yet I will sing of Your name
Right here in the shadows - Right here I will offer my praise
What was true in the light - Is still true in the dark
You're good and You're kind - And You care for this heart
Lord I believe - That you weep with me - Yeah you weep with me
(Rend Collective - Weep With Me)