It's been a while since I've posted anything to the site. I guess the last post I made was around the time I sent my last ministry resume out.
I've since "stopped" looking for a ministry position...for the most part...at least a full-time position. Last fall I applied to grad school - hoping I'd get into a writing program and work my way (over the next couple years) into publishing and full-time writing. That didn't exactly pan out. Like a blow to the stomach, I got rejection e-mails from every school to which I applied. That happened about a month ago...
I crumbled.
I remember the day I got my last two rejections, I was headed to a Third Day concert. I sat pensively over a dinner of chicken fingers wishing I could feel excited for the concert I was about to see. I sat through the opening artist - Brandon Heath (the guy I was supposed to marry someday...) - with really little to no feelings...
Anyone that knows me, knows I'm not passive in my love for music. Brandon Heath is actually my second...maybe my third favorite artist and this was my first time getting to see him live. I should have been more excited.
I just wasn't feeling it. Anyway...
Third Day finally came out. They had a great set. But I remember...in quite similar fashion to Brandon's set...being thoroughly underwhelmed. I mean, I enjoyed the music...Mac Powell knows how to entertain - especially when they took requests and actually played part of "Free Bird."
I remember just wanting to go home and wallow. I didn't want to cry...I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and the inevitable long-term future I seemed to have with the Wal-Mart corporation.
Then they played it. "Revelation"
And I broke...completely crumbled into an emotional mess of tears. This is no emotional trickle of tears...this is full-on ugly cry, unable to stand under the weight of the lyrics/prayer of this song.
To say this journey of trying to discover my direction and calling in my adult life has been hard would be an understatement. I can't count the number of times I've cried in anger, in sadness, in frustration at my life situation - feeling as if God has neglected me, has forgotten me. To say I've been more than a little distant from God because of it would also be an understatement. God has not been the first person I've run to over the last couple years. Church has not been the first place I've wanted to be.
And my heart is hurting because of the distance I've created.
That said...things are slowly changing. I can feel a softening of my heart, once again, toward the Creator of the Universe. I can feel the essence of the very reminder that my soul needs - I am loved, I am special to God, I have favor in His eyes, I have not been forgotten.
Now - off to finish one more grad school essay - hopefully this one will be the acceptance I didn't get from the other four...
I've since "stopped" looking for a ministry position...for the most part...at least a full-time position. Last fall I applied to grad school - hoping I'd get into a writing program and work my way (over the next couple years) into publishing and full-time writing. That didn't exactly pan out. Like a blow to the stomach, I got rejection e-mails from every school to which I applied. That happened about a month ago...
I crumbled.
I remember the day I got my last two rejections, I was headed to a Third Day concert. I sat pensively over a dinner of chicken fingers wishing I could feel excited for the concert I was about to see. I sat through the opening artist - Brandon Heath (the guy I was supposed to marry someday...) - with really little to no feelings...
Anyone that knows me, knows I'm not passive in my love for music. Brandon Heath is actually my second...maybe my third favorite artist and this was my first time getting to see him live. I should have been more excited.
I just wasn't feeling it. Anyway...
Third Day finally came out. They had a great set. But I remember...in quite similar fashion to Brandon's set...being thoroughly underwhelmed. I mean, I enjoyed the music...Mac Powell knows how to entertain - especially when they took requests and actually played part of "Free Bird."
I remember just wanting to go home and wallow. I didn't want to cry...I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and the inevitable long-term future I seemed to have with the Wal-Mart corporation.
Then they played it. "Revelation"
And I broke...completely crumbled into an emotional mess of tears. This is no emotional trickle of tears...this is full-on ugly cry, unable to stand under the weight of the lyrics/prayer of this song.
To say this journey of trying to discover my direction and calling in my adult life has been hard would be an understatement. I can't count the number of times I've cried in anger, in sadness, in frustration at my life situation - feeling as if God has neglected me, has forgotten me. To say I've been more than a little distant from God because of it would also be an understatement. God has not been the first person I've run to over the last couple years. Church has not been the first place I've wanted to be.
And my heart is hurting because of the distance I've created.
That said...things are slowly changing. I can feel a softening of my heart, once again, toward the Creator of the Universe. I can feel the essence of the very reminder that my soul needs - I am loved, I am special to God, I have favor in His eyes, I have not been forgotten.
Now - off to finish one more grad school essay - hopefully this one will be the acceptance I didn't get from the other four...